50 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Juliette
Co-founder, Better Together9 min read
Planning a wedding comes with a long to-do list: the venue, the guest list, the flowers. Planning a marriage gets a much shorter one, even though it lasts a lot longer than the party. The couples who feel most prepared aren't the ones who agree on everything. They are the ones who have talked about the big topics before those topics show up on their own.
As the founders of the online & non-religious marriage preparation journey Better Together, we have gathered the 50 questions we believe every couple should ask each other before getting married, grouped into nine themes. Whether you're newly engaged, planning to move in together, or have been together for years, they are a great starting point.
As always, perfect alignment is neither necessary nor realistic. Different answers are not a red flag. They are simply something to understand and work through together.
How to Use These Questions
- Pick a calm moment. Not right after an argument, and not at 11pm on a work night. A walk, a long dinner or a lazy Sunday morning works far better.
- Go one section at a time. Fifty questions in one sitting is exhausting. Choose one theme per conversation and come back to the next one in a few days.
- Listen to understand, not to answer. The goal is to learn how your partner thinks, not to win. Ask follow-up questions like “What makes you feel that way?”
- It's fine not to know yet. Some questions don't have an answer today. Note them down and revisit them in a few weeks.
Let's get started!
Values & Beliefs
Values shape almost every decision a couple makes, often without either partner noticing. Naming them early makes later conversations much easier.
1.What are the three values that matter most to each of us?
2.What role do religion or spirituality play in our lives, and what role would we like them to play in our family?
3.What does a “good life” look like to each of us?
4.Which traditions from our families do we want to keep, and which do we want to leave behind?
5.What does commitment mean to each of us?
6.Is there anything we consider absolutely non-negotiable in a relationship?
Communication & Conflict
Every couple argues. What matters is how. Understanding each other's conflict style helps you avoid the same fight on repeat.
7.How did our families handle disagreements when we were growing up?
8.When we're upset, do we need space first, or do we prefer to talk it through right away?
9.What is the best way to bring up something that's bothering us?
10.Is there a recurring argument between us that we haven't fully resolved?
11.How do we like to apologise, and how do we like to receive an apology?
12.What topics, if any, feel hard to talk about with each other?
13.Would we be open to seeing a couples therapist if we ever felt stuck?
Love & Emotional Connection
Feeling loved looks different for everyone. Some people need words, others need time, help or touch. Knowing what fills your partner's cup keeps the connection strong long after the honeymoon phase.
14.When do we feel most loved and appreciated by each other?
15.What small, everyday gestures mean the most to each of us?
16.How much time alone and how much time together do we each need?
17.How can we tell when the other one is stressed, and how can we best support them?
18.How do we want to keep dating each other once we're married?
19.What would make us feel like we're drifting apart, and what would we do about it?
Family & Children
Kids and extended family are some of the most important topics to align on, and some of the easiest to put off. Have these conversations even if children feel far away.
20.Do we want children? If so, how many, and roughly when?
21.How would we feel about fertility treatments, adoption, or not being able to have children?
22.What parenting values do we want to pass on?
23.How would we share childcare and household responsibilities?
24.How involved do we want our parents and in-laws to be in our lives?
25.How will we split holidays and family occasions between our families?
26.Would we ever consider having a parent live with us?
Money
Money is one of the most frequent sources of tension in couples, so it deserves its own conversation. Here are five questions to start, and our 10 essential financial questions to ask your partner if you want to go deeper.
27.Do either of us have debt, and how do we plan to deal with it?
28.Will we combine our finances, keep them separate, or a mix of both?
29.Are we more of a saver or a spender, and where does that come from?
30.What purchase amount should we always discuss together first?
31.What are our biggest financial goals for the next five years?
Career & Life Goals
Two people, two sets of ambitions. Talking about them openly helps you support each other instead of competing for time and energy.
32.Where do we each see our careers in five and ten years?
33.Would we move cities or countries for one partner's career?
34.How do we balance work and family time?
35.Is there a personal dream either of us has that the other doesn't know about?
36.What would we do if one of us wanted to go back to school or change careers?
37.How do we picture our retirement?
Home & Everyday Life
The day-to-day is where most of married life actually happens. Small differences in habits can turn into big frustrations if they're never discussed.
38.Where do we want to live: city, suburbs, countryside, or abroad?
39.How will we split chores so it feels fair to both of us?
40.How tidy does our home need to be for each of us to feel comfortable?
41.How often do we like to have friends or family over?
42.Do we want pets?
43.What does a perfect weekend look like for each of us?
Intimacy, Trust & Boundaries
These can feel like the most awkward questions on the list, but they are also the ones that build the most trust once you've asked them.
44.What does physical intimacy mean to each of us, and how do we keep it alive?
45.What counts as cheating for each of us, online and offline?
46.How much privacy do we expect, for example with phones or messages?
47.Are there friendships or past relationships that make either of us uncomfortable?
Commitment & the Future
Finally, step back and look at the big picture. Why are you choosing each other, and how will you keep choosing each other?
48.Why do we want to get married, and why now?
49.What worries us most about marriage?
50.How will we check in on our relationship over the years to make sure we're both still happy?
Fifty questions is a lot, and that's the point. You don't need to get through them all this week. If you'd like a guided way to work through these topics together, we invite you to try our online & non-religious marriage preparation course Better Together. Built in an app, it is interactive and completely self-paced, with exercises where you each answer separately and then compare your results. For all couples, whether you intend to get married or not. Available on iOS and Android. Visit our FAQ to learn more.
